i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
