i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
They took my balls.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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