Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
