My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
