I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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