I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
