i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
