I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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