i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
