I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
