Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
