Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
