tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
