ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
