I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
