I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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