The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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