I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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