kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
