come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
