I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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