Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
