i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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