Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
