my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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