GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
