buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
