one two three fourrrrnication!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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