dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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