shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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