Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
