The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
