I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
