He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
