The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just found a bag of teeth...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
