I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
