God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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