my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
