ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
