I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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