I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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