I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
