his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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