just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
