I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is Oprah even human
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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