apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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