i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
