Dual....:-)
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
