the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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