All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
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I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize