just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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