Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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