I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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