I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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