I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
