Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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