So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
