I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
