It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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