K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
